just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
