Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
