we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
