Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's shark week go big or go home
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
