Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
