he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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