The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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