Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Randomize
