I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
