my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
