his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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