After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
