Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
