woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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