I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
