I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
