There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
