I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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