I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
