Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
