I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
