Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
