what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
