Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
