I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
