saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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