So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
