we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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