paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
