Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
