Pants 0. Shit 1.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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