we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
