If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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