Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
