the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm passing your future prison.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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