the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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