so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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