I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
