Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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