was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
