there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
