if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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