My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
did i walk over a car last night?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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