I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
