Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
