I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize