I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
