Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
