i think my tv is drunk
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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