New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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