i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
her vagine was all disorganized.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize