she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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