Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
