census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
