The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
