I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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