$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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