I am in a vortex of obligation.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
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