I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
