there's paper in my vomit.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
His nipple licking is glorious
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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