His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
