Someone shit on the floor
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
