She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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